i have returned. but there is no joy in mudville. instead, this story is moving to a new stage, one with so much gravity it threatens to come crashing down to earth.
the hate mail has been steady since i started this forum, but lately it has changed in its tenor. while previously i had only to deal with the angry ravings of the offended lynns and the insulted lynnes, my readership has found new bones to pick with me, bones that go far beyond my personal choice in names. no, they are now more interested in exposing the musty and decrepit skeletons in my closet.
this "constructive criticism" has brought to my attention that what i thought was a fun and victimless way to reclaim some manner of control over my own life and happiness is in fact an extended cry for help. you see, nothing could possibly explain the decision to change my name besides serious problems in my own life. problems such as narcissism, immaturity, or maybe just simple mental illness. unfortunately, i find myself caught in my own webs of subjectivity. after all, a narcissist is unable to see his own narcissism, the immature are too immature to realize it, and the mentally ill are unqualified to diagnose themselves. i suppose then it is for the best that i have put my neuroses on public display here -- it is only through the combined expertise of my gentle readers that i have been able to identify these rather serious character flaws i have been suffering from for god/knows how long...
thus, even though it hurts dearly to hear from you when you respond to alert me of my own personal failings, this is how it must be. this is the only way i will ever learn the hard lessons of life. this ruthless criticism is, i suspect, the only means through which i can ever hope to be cured and be allowed to reenter polite society.
still, i am uneasy. that is, i know there is something terribly wrong with me (i mean, think about it. what kind of grown man would even consider what i am considering? when it's put that way, there really is only one response...), but i still don't know exactly what that is. thus, we have begun an important process, but we are still at the beginning. if we are going to get to the bottom of this -- if i am ever to be normal again -- it is absolutely imperative that we dig deeper into my psychoses. this requires, then, some (psycho(tic)analysis. as we've already established, that's beyond my abilities. hell, up until a little bit ago, i thought i was fine -- i was even happy(!) with this decision. the only option, then, is to keep doing what has worked so far. i must continue to assume the role of the neurotic patient, writing my life as part of the talking cure. you, gentle reader, will have to take on the authority role of doctor and expert. i will tell you where it hurts, and you can help diagnose just what's wrong with me.
maybe the best place is to start at some kind of beginning. let's take a break from discussing the virtues of linus and the vices of lynn. we are older now, we have no more time for such childish things, it seems. the more fundamental question, if i am reading my hate mail properly is not whether i prefer linus or egon or balthazar or kiki as a new name, but why i would want a new name at all. as if it were even my decision to make -- the state granted my parents the right to make that decision before they even knew me. who am i to question that?
but i am questioning that. i have always been uneasy with my name, but it is only now that i am willing to suffer the tsk-tsks of my more respectable neighbors and take this plunge. so, what gives?
the answer is simple, and complicated. [it always is...]. let's start with simple. [you'll have to wait for the next post to read me indulging in the complications.] this simple answer is simply this: i am tired of the life i currently have. i want a change. yes, it is possible to change one's life without changing one's name. it seems that people do it all the time. but one of the things i have always been tired of is my name. i have never liked it. but i haven't changed it because i never wanted to be the "person who changed his name." it was too much trouble -- i didn't want to have those conversations and get into it. it was the easy way, and for a long time it seemed like the trade off was worth it. but something changed. i no longer think it's worth it. this is one of the more trivial changes i want to make, but the point is, i want to make it. i understand this makes me crazy -- after all, i should just buy a new automobile, or take a trip to the amazon, or enroll in a pottery course, or something "easier" and "more reasonable." but i don't want to do that. i want to do this. but even so, it is harder than i thought it would be. i thought it would be fun. i thought it would be amusing. it is not. it is either a big joke (with everyone laughing at me behind my back) or a big mistake (with everyone shaking their heads about me behind my back). sometimes i wonder if it's worth it. but that's the point. i can't know unless i do it.
still, there are cracks in my previously stable foundation. the qualms are bubbling up to the surface. after all, i might want this, but how am i qualified to actually judge what i want? again i am caught by limitations of my own subjectivity. when other people do what they want, it seems they are free. when i try to act on my own desires, perhaps i am merely sick. if only i had someone to tell me what's right, what i should really want.
hmmmmm... maybe my critics are right. there does seem to be something seriously wrong in my life. that must mean they are also likely correct that that thing must also be me.
oh dear. that wasn't very simple. i can only imagine what sort of mess the complicated version will be. nevertheless, it will provide plenty of fodder for the armchair/laptop therapists amongst us.
i am looking forward to hearing what specifically is wrong with me. i just want to be normal. after all, normalness, rather than the ability to act on one's own desires, is the real key to happiness...
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
why linus? why lie to us? why, linus?
yes, it has been almost a month since last we communicated. life has been, as they say, "complicated." this complete reengineering of my life is going somewhat less smoothly than i anticipated. however, i am back on the wagon of name/changing, and will return shortly with a fuller explanation of the glories of linus.
peace out.
peace out.
Monday, March 9, 2009
the middle of the road is not a safe place to hide
2) lynn is at best (and worst) a middle name
i want to return to a point made in the previous entry. lynn, among its many failures as a name, rarely has the guts or the moxie or even the strength of conviction to stand on its own as a name without relying on help elsewhere. that's why it is so often shunted off to the obscure zone where less-than-acceptable names go to not yet die: the "middle name." why do we have middle names? that's a can of worms i prefer not to open tonight, but suffice it to say it is simply one more way for parent(s) to cast the weight of the world/tradition on the shoulders of their newborn bundle of joy. after all, why give something/someone a name if you have no plans to use it?
and the fact that lynn is hiding in the shadows created by the towering presence of "first" and "last" names means that many of us are sadly unaware of just how prevalent this name is. we have no idea just how many lynns actually walk among us. i shudder. true story: on a recent drive to new york city for some "big fun in the big city," i found myself in a car with 2 other people, only to find that the three of us, of various ages, genders, and places of birth, all were stuck with the middle name lynn. it is truly a hidden killer...
[[[update: while at an academic conference in a "strange city" i found myself in the exact same situation -- 3 of us, all with the middle name lynn. i was, again, the only "boy" in the group]]]
but some are so taken with what, in most likely is a moment drunk on either alcohol or post/partum hormones, they mistakenly take as the majesty of the name that they try to force the name out into the open. mind you, few are so brazen as to allow the name to jump its station in life up to "first name" status. still, they prove clever enough to figure out ways around the name's rightful position. as noted previously, lynn, whatever its massive shortcomings as a single name, seems, at least for a certain sort of person, to nicely fill the role of the final syllable of the first name. thus, you have your army of jamie lynns, stacy lynns, katie lynns, and so on and so on and so on.
this is bad enough, but some, unsatisfied with this affront to common decency, try to sneak lynn to the front of the line by merging these 2 names into some unholy alliance. the most egregious and popular example of this phenomenon is caitlyn (notice they tend to sport a dropped final "n," as if that would make it all okay). other examples include rosalyn, jocelyn (some have become so widespread, we don't even notice what's really going on).
of course, the worst offenders would have to be people like my parents. they never had any intention to call me any name other than lynn, but rather than be honest about it when they filled out the paperwork to apply for me to properly enter the world as a full citizen, they tried to sneak it past the baby/naming/bureaucracy by listing lynn as my middle name. they knew full well they'd never get me out of the hospital if they had listed lynn as my first name. a sneaky bunch, those two. but, as i found in my own life, lynn is simply not up to the challenge. it is a crutch or, at best, a prosthetic limb, but it can never be its own pair of legs. thus, it can help prop up other enfeebled names, but when asked to stand on its own, it inevitably fails. tragic.
a note on what to expect in the immediate future. while i have been getting a lot of incredible and "lively" feedback from all my fans out there (as well as from the growing opposition of the burgeoning "pro-lynn" movement [a word to all of you out there -- take your best shots! you will always fall short!]), i feel i don't want to be just a debbie downer (or should i say, lugubrious lynn?) and just talk smack about lynn. that's only half my job. so stay tuned for the next installment, which will be the first of many pro-linus entries. i can hardly wait.
lin.us out.
i want to return to a point made in the previous entry. lynn, among its many failures as a name, rarely has the guts or the moxie or even the strength of conviction to stand on its own as a name without relying on help elsewhere. that's why it is so often shunted off to the obscure zone where less-than-acceptable names go to not yet die: the "middle name." why do we have middle names? that's a can of worms i prefer not to open tonight, but suffice it to say it is simply one more way for parent(s) to cast the weight of the world/tradition on the shoulders of their newborn bundle of joy. after all, why give something/someone a name if you have no plans to use it?
and the fact that lynn is hiding in the shadows created by the towering presence of "first" and "last" names means that many of us are sadly unaware of just how prevalent this name is. we have no idea just how many lynns actually walk among us. i shudder. true story: on a recent drive to new york city for some "big fun in the big city," i found myself in a car with 2 other people, only to find that the three of us, of various ages, genders, and places of birth, all were stuck with the middle name lynn. it is truly a hidden killer...
[[[update: while at an academic conference in a "strange city" i found myself in the exact same situation -- 3 of us, all with the middle name lynn. i was, again, the only "boy" in the group]]]
but some are so taken with what, in most likely is a moment drunk on either alcohol or post/partum hormones, they mistakenly take as the majesty of the name that they try to force the name out into the open. mind you, few are so brazen as to allow the name to jump its station in life up to "first name" status. still, they prove clever enough to figure out ways around the name's rightful position. as noted previously, lynn, whatever its massive shortcomings as a single name, seems, at least for a certain sort of person, to nicely fill the role of the final syllable of the first name. thus, you have your army of jamie lynns, stacy lynns, katie lynns, and so on and so on and so on.
this is bad enough, but some, unsatisfied with this affront to common decency, try to sneak lynn to the front of the line by merging these 2 names into some unholy alliance. the most egregious and popular example of this phenomenon is caitlyn (notice they tend to sport a dropped final "n," as if that would make it all okay). other examples include rosalyn, jocelyn (some have become so widespread, we don't even notice what's really going on).
of course, the worst offenders would have to be people like my parents. they never had any intention to call me any name other than lynn, but rather than be honest about it when they filled out the paperwork to apply for me to properly enter the world as a full citizen, they tried to sneak it past the baby/naming/bureaucracy by listing lynn as my middle name. they knew full well they'd never get me out of the hospital if they had listed lynn as my first name. a sneaky bunch, those two. but, as i found in my own life, lynn is simply not up to the challenge. it is a crutch or, at best, a prosthetic limb, but it can never be its own pair of legs. thus, it can help prop up other enfeebled names, but when asked to stand on its own, it inevitably fails. tragic.
a note on what to expect in the immediate future. while i have been getting a lot of incredible and "lively" feedback from all my fans out there (as well as from the growing opposition of the burgeoning "pro-lynn" movement [a word to all of you out there -- take your best shots! you will always fall short!]), i feel i don't want to be just a debbie downer (or should i say, lugubrious lynn?) and just talk smack about lynn. that's only half my job. so stay tuned for the next installment, which will be the first of many pro-linus entries. i can hardly wait.
lin.us out.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
what's the matter with lynn?
i know what you are all thinking. what could possibly motivate a seemingly sane adult to go through the trouble of changing their god-and-or-parents-given, everyone-and-the-dog-knows-them-by-including-every-last-colleague-who-will-play-a-central-role-in-career-outcomes, why-don't-you-just-deal-with-it name? they must hate that name an awful lot to go through that trouble.
well, yes and no.
admittedly, i have never fully embraced the name of lynn. the average person might suspect that this ambivalence stems from its complicated gendering properties, ones that certainly have caused all sorts of confusion and complication for your protagonist. after all, what self-respecting male would allow his treasured claims towards masculinity to be undermined by such a feminine name? well, maybe it is my keen lack of self respect talking, but actually this is the only thing about the name lynn that i find even at all tolerable. the gender(ed) confusion that it leaves in its wake allows me some comfort as i struggle with all its other flaws. (hey, look at me! i'm a boy with a girl's name! i wonder what kind of krazy hijinks i can get into, as i play into peoples misconceptions and frolic in the ruins of never-ending cases of mistaken identities! wheeeee!)
no. the problem with lynn is not that it's a girl's name. the problem is the kind of girls name that it is, that is the kind of girls named lynn. and what kinds of girls are named lynn? (please note all women named lynn who might possibly read this: my grand theory of lynn may not agree with your own experiences, and is in no way meant to offend you and your delicate lynn sensibilities. this caveat is not transferable to those named lynne; i have no use for them.)
the beginning of what promises to be a list that will go on for far too long:
1) they have brown hair. while there may be nothing inherently wrong with brown hair, i think it is safe to say that it is always horrible and the crusher of many otherwise strong and worthy souls. why else would we as a culture produce a word such as "brunette" if not to distinguish hair that is pleasant but brown-like in appearance from hair that is simply brown and thus icky and tragic. further investigation tells us that there is no such hair color as "yellow," as blond is thought to do the trick in all cases, requiring no such distinction. red needs no special name, since red as a color is not something most people have a knee-jerk reaction of revulsion towards. while i am sure there are some blond or red/headed lynns walking the earth, deep down in their hearts, their hair is brown. here are a few lynns, showing off their brown tresses (note also that of these (2 mug shots and 2 missing person picture) that all of them have lynn as their middle name. this is another, yet to be explored, problem with the name. stay tuned...)
tracy lynn cross
jessica lynn burns
stacy lynn carson (she at least tried to go blond, but the roots betray her lynnness -- this effort, however, likely explains why she is merely missing and not in trouble with the law like the average lynn)
jamie lynn drake -- she's only missing, and not a "criminal" -- way to rise above your station in life, even if that risk taking was rewarded with abduction! [[update: someone moved the picture -- maybe the found her. anyway, imagine her as every other lynn out there. you already "know" what she looks like...]]
a fate perhaps even worse than brown hair is that all too often these lynns have been known to put their hair "under control" through the most medieval of all hair/care/products: the velvet scrunchy (also spelled "scrunchie")
(while it should remain out of your hair at all times, "velvet scrunchy" remains a very reasonable choice for the stage name for an up-and-coming exotic dancer...)
well, what color is my hair? clever you are, as you try and catch me in a contradiction, exposing my own hypocrisy and thus disposing all my claimed insight into the dustbin where you think it belongs. not so fast: you have clearly forgotten entirely how comfortable i am with the fact that i, like walt whitman before me, contain the multitudes, and thus am only emboldened by my contradictory thinking. (full quote, for the scholars out there: "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.") yes, i admit it: my hair is, by most definitions, brown, and while i am loathe to admit more, it is even a brown that is rather far down the brown scale of tolerability. but i have fought against this natural state, through the combined use of hair dye and hair clippers/razors; fighting back the infestation of brown hair, alternating between spinning it into black gold or simply razing the embarrassment into a desert of hairlessness. no hair is always better than brown hair.
this is merely one more thing separating me from other lynns. they accept their lynnness, sometimes even embracing it. i, while recognizing that i could not be who i am without passing through the stage of lynn, know that this is not my final resting place and that i can only win this battle through continuous struggle not through submission. better to die on your feet as a linus than live on your knees as a lynn.
speaking of submission, that's it for this one. i can't wait for next time, and i'm sure you, my loyal and loving audience, feel the same...
well, yes and no.
admittedly, i have never fully embraced the name of lynn. the average person might suspect that this ambivalence stems from its complicated gendering properties, ones that certainly have caused all sorts of confusion and complication for your protagonist. after all, what self-respecting male would allow his treasured claims towards masculinity to be undermined by such a feminine name? well, maybe it is my keen lack of self respect talking, but actually this is the only thing about the name lynn that i find even at all tolerable. the gender(ed) confusion that it leaves in its wake allows me some comfort as i struggle with all its other flaws. (hey, look at me! i'm a boy with a girl's name! i wonder what kind of krazy hijinks i can get into, as i play into peoples misconceptions and frolic in the ruins of never-ending cases of mistaken identities! wheeeee!)
no. the problem with lynn is not that it's a girl's name. the problem is the kind of girls name that it is, that is the kind of girls named lynn. and what kinds of girls are named lynn? (please note all women named lynn who might possibly read this: my grand theory of lynn may not agree with your own experiences, and is in no way meant to offend you and your delicate lynn sensibilities. this caveat is not transferable to those named lynne; i have no use for them.)
the beginning of what promises to be a list that will go on for far too long:
1) they have brown hair. while there may be nothing inherently wrong with brown hair, i think it is safe to say that it is always horrible and the crusher of many otherwise strong and worthy souls. why else would we as a culture produce a word such as "brunette" if not to distinguish hair that is pleasant but brown-like in appearance from hair that is simply brown and thus icky and tragic. further investigation tells us that there is no such hair color as "yellow," as blond is thought to do the trick in all cases, requiring no such distinction. red needs no special name, since red as a color is not something most people have a knee-jerk reaction of revulsion towards. while i am sure there are some blond or red/headed lynns walking the earth, deep down in their hearts, their hair is brown. here are a few lynns, showing off their brown tresses (note also that of these (2 mug shots and 2 missing person picture) that all of them have lynn as their middle name. this is another, yet to be explored, problem with the name. stay tuned...)
tracy lynn cross
jessica lynn burns
stacy lynn carson (she at least tried to go blond, but the roots betray her lynnness -- this effort, however, likely explains why she is merely missing and not in trouble with the law like the average lynn)
jamie lynn drake -- she's only missing, and not a "criminal" -- way to rise above your station in life, even if that risk taking was rewarded with abduction! [[update: someone moved the picture -- maybe the found her. anyway, imagine her as every other lynn out there. you already "know" what she looks like...]]
a fate perhaps even worse than brown hair is that all too often these lynns have been known to put their hair "under control" through the most medieval of all hair/care/products: the velvet scrunchy (also spelled "scrunchie")
(while it should remain out of your hair at all times, "velvet scrunchy" remains a very reasonable choice for the stage name for an up-and-coming exotic dancer...)
well, what color is my hair? clever you are, as you try and catch me in a contradiction, exposing my own hypocrisy and thus disposing all my claimed insight into the dustbin where you think it belongs. not so fast: you have clearly forgotten entirely how comfortable i am with the fact that i, like walt whitman before me, contain the multitudes, and thus am only emboldened by my contradictory thinking. (full quote, for the scholars out there: "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.") yes, i admit it: my hair is, by most definitions, brown, and while i am loathe to admit more, it is even a brown that is rather far down the brown scale of tolerability. but i have fought against this natural state, through the combined use of hair dye and hair clippers/razors; fighting back the infestation of brown hair, alternating between spinning it into black gold or simply razing the embarrassment into a desert of hairlessness. no hair is always better than brown hair.
this is merely one more thing separating me from other lynns. they accept their lynnness, sometimes even embracing it. i, while recognizing that i could not be who i am without passing through the stage of lynn, know that this is not my final resting place and that i can only win this battle through continuous struggle not through submission. better to die on your feet as a linus than live on your knees as a lynn.
speaking of submission, that's it for this one. i can't wait for next time, and i'm sure you, my loyal and loving audience, feel the same...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
if i have to explain myself, it means you aren't listing
i used to be called Lynn.
then, i was called lynn.
then, i became ly.nn (who sometimes went by lyn.n, ly/nn, l.ynn, or other variations on the theme).
now i am in the process of becoming linus (which might sometimes be lin.us or lin/us or some other such nonsense).
what could this possibly all mean? am i throwing away my past? how will any of this information help you to get rich quick?
stay tuned...
in the meantime, here is a picture of nazis admiring a kitten.
then, i was called lynn.
then, i became ly.nn (who sometimes went by lyn.n, ly/nn, l.ynn, or other variations on the theme).
now i am in the process of becoming linus (which might sometimes be lin.us or lin/us or some other such nonsense).
what could this possibly all mean? am i throwing away my past? how will any of this information help you to get rich quick?
stay tuned...
in the meantime, here is a picture of nazis admiring a kitten.
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